I'm over it!!!

So I finally talked to C on the phone today. This was after I had a long phone conversation with a friend who has “been there” — to say the least! He gave me some things to look for on the phone.

C was miserable and upset, as usual… He said he loved me, that he wanted to be with me… all the right things, right? Wait! But he’s not here in California! So something isn’t right here.

My friend (we’ll call him Conner even though that’s not his real name) had told me that C had to make a decision. So when C called, feeling miserable, I reminded him that he had a decision to make. He said “No, I don’t…” That means he’s already made the decision! He’s there, and I’m here, and that means he didn’t choose me. No matter how much he says he loves me, I know that he can’t love me more than he loves his wife and kids, or he’d be here with me. When I talked to him today, it hit me that he’s stopped looking for a way to get out of this mess — he’s just wallowing in self-pity at this point, and pulling me into that because he “loves” me.

Conner asked me today, “Are you in love with him, or in love with being in love?” Of course my first instinct was to say I was in love with C — duh! But who knows, really. The fact is that he’s not here and I need to accept that and move on. Hey, if he decides to get divorced, he can call me and I’ll be there to help him through it. But if he makes the choice (and hell yeah, it was his choice) to stay with his wife, then I’ll find someone else who makes the choice to stay with me!

I will not let myself be dragged down by him any more. Yes, I absolutely love him with all my heart, and if ever he needs a shoulder to cry on, I’ll be here… in California… and he’ll be the one buying the plane tickets or driving the Miata to me, because I’m worth it.