I've figured it out!

(This one will be worth the read. I promise.)

I wrapped up some long-standing issues with FG tonight. (I will not call you FGML. You are not a markup language.) He said “goodbye” to me last week the day after C did, and I hadn’t gotten around to dealing with that yet. So I did tonight by berating him on IM. (Always great to know your friends are supportive of your decisions, right?!) “What the fuck?” I yelled at him. (Sorry, this was IM, so it was more like “WHAT THE FUCK?!”) “You were my best friend; why did you leave me at the time I needed you most…” I’ll spare you the gory details.

I honestly just needed to say it to him to get it out of my system. Actually, it relieved me greatly to just let loose and yell for a while about something. (I’m over it now; please stop cowering in fear!)

What had always bothered me about my relationship with FG was something I could never explain to anyone. Everyone always thought I was crazy to break up with him. Even my own mother told me to give him another chance earlier this year. So I did, but it was still wrong! What was eating me up inside was that I couldn’t figure out why it was wrong, so I was having this giant guilt complex about it — like “How could I have ruined a perfectly good relationship?” etc.

I finally started to figure it out with a friend a few months ago on IM. I had been thinking about my relationship with FG for a while, and my friend (we’ll call him A and drag him into this mess) happened to be online one night when I really needed to talk. I started chatting and didn’t stop typing for over an hour. “FG isn’t right for me,” I told him. “He just doesn’t understand me.” Of course, A, playing devil’s advocate (thank you, A), was asking all the right questions, like “Are you sure that he isn’t right for you? What isn’t right about him?” I told him I wasn’t sure, and that’s why I didn’t break up with FG until after I got back from IBI… I knew it wasn’t right, but I couldn’t tell anyone (including myself) why.

Well, then I met C at IBI and the whole thing blew up. I told FG after I got back. Nothing happened at IBI with C, but I knew it was over with FG when I came back. Still, I couldn’t put my finger on what was wrong. “He’s 90% right for me,” I kept telling people.

Today, I figured it out.

If you’ve been reading my Slashdot journal, you’ll know that a couple months ago it really hit me that I have two opposing sides to my personality. There’s the outer side, which is what you know if you’ve never met me in person (or have met me in person, but only briefly.) That’s the wild, strong, kick-ass individual on the outside. And that’s the part that almost everyone thinks is the real me.

Here’s the kicker: It’s not. There is, I’d say, a 70/30 split between that side and my inner side, which is what some of you (including FG) would describe as the “real” me. This inner side is the 70% in that split. It’s the sensitive, vulnerable side… the side that C called “the little girl inside.” And that’s the real me.

But here’s the catch. Neither one of these sides can be left behind. If you love me — truly love me, you have to love both sides. Even though it’s not an even split (it’s 70/30) you can’t love one and not love the other, or it doesn’t work.

FG was the person who brought out the “real” me way back in high school, when I hid it from everyone. He saw that inner beauty and it wowed him, and he fell in love with that side. But he could never accept that I was still a hardass on the outside. He begged me to get rid of that side, to just be the love and beauty on the inside. After all, he is like the pure love of my inner self, except that’s all of him. He fought with the outside part of me. He was angry about it and it didn’t fit with his goals of simply falling in love and raising a family. He was, in fact, the exact opposite of my boyfriend so long ago, whom I named Mr. My Life Is Good Enough For Me, who could only see the outside of me and couldn’t accept the inside.

There are 3 people in my life who have seen both sides and have accepted them for what they are without wanting to change them. They are: Conner, who has been a close friend of mine for over 4 years now; willfe, who recently gained the courage to call me again, for which I will respect him for a long time; and C.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am a walking contradiction. I have a deceptively simple personality, that, over time, unfolds itself into many complex and deep layers. Sometimes I disagree with myself. Sometimes I frustrate myself and everyone around me, but at the same time, I have that shining heart inside and my smile makes people feel better. This is me; this is who I am, and although sometimes I make bad decisions, I do make them based on love.

The sound you hear is another book closing. Another chapter of my life has been written. I’ve figured out who I am and I am finally happy and at peace with myself.

FG, I know you will find that family you are looking for, and I know I will too. I hope I can give you a bug hug and be there for you when your dreams finally do come true. I love you a lot, and I wish you the best.