What the hell?

I woke up at 3:30 in the morning with a vague feeling that something was wrong and broken. It was so vague at first that I couldn’t figure out what it was. Then I thought back over the dreams I had just had and who was in them, and I realized that yet again (last night), I had opened my heart to someone and that person didn’t seem to understand or care.

I realize that I have to be patient. But right now, I just need someone who understands. I have lost two of my best friends in a 24-hour time period. I am left with this giant hole in my heart that no one can repair. Sometimes I shrug it off and think I will get through it, and sometimes I wake up at 3:30 in the morning, crying my eyes out and barely having the strength to ask “Why?”

My dreams are full of frustration (they have been for a long time.) I’m always trying to pull something into place that isn’t quite right. My sleep is tormented with demons of my own making. Sylvia Browne was right when she said that there is no greater Hell than the hell we put ourselves through on this earth. I cannot imagine greater pain than what I am going through now, where I can’t even make things work in my dreams. I can only pray that someday, it will get better for me, and I won’t wake up in the morning feeling so frustrated and angry with myself.