Why I'm Really Upset

Okay, okay, so I’m bothered by BJ. But the grumpiness that persists inside is more than that.

Last night, I had a discussion with a close friend I hadn’t talked to for a month or so. The discussion started out with him saying “I read your blog, and sorry I wasn’t around for all that.” Where was he? Apparently finding out that his wife (a compulsive shopper) had put $75,000 on credit cards in the past year (buying weird shit like a collection of Christmas tins), and then hid the whole thing from him.

Now he’s sleeping on a friend’s couch, while she lives with his mom. Of course, upon learning this, my first question was “Are you divorcing her?” After all, if he’s 1000 miles away and she hid this big thing from him… “No, I love her too much,” was his reply. Okay. So why was he 1000 miles away?

Apparently there are no jobs in the small town where his parents live, so he’s out finding work while she stays home and takes care of their kid. This part was not the part that angered me the most, however. Apparently, his wife (in a brilliant stroke of therapist-inspired “wisdom”) had decided that a “voluntary separation” would be the best thing for her (as “punishment” for her $75,000 Internet shopping spree), leaving him to pay off the entire $75,000 while she sat around on her ass (I mean, sorry, “took care of the kid.”)

Payments on $75,000 of credit card debt are about $3500-$4000 a month, and that’s not including living expenses or the other debt that they’ve accumulated. Not only that, but after telling me that, he starts smacking himself around on IM, saying things like “I’m not a good husband.”

How many times do you need to be beaten over the head with a cluestick before you realize that she wasn’t being a good wife? This woman went out and spent $75,000 behind your back, and expects you to pay the whole thing off while she sits around and twiddles her thumbs. Not only that, but she’s living it up with your mom while you’re sleeping on someone’s couch and trying to figure out how to pay the bills. Not only that, but someone has handed you a bunch of guilt on a platter, and you’re eating it up like it’s the last meal you’ll ever have.

When I said all of this to him, he said “You don’t live in the same world I do. She and I have an agreement: I bring in the money, and she takes care of the kid.” Funny, but I think she broke that agreement when she got you guys $75,000 in credit card debt! I live in the year 2004, where women run multi-billion dollar corporations, not sit around on their butt and expect their husbands to desperately find work in order to pay the bills they racked up buying a set of Christmas tins (among other meaningless items.) This woman is refusing to take responsibility for her actions, and thinks that “Hubby” can make it all magically disappear.

Whenever I get married, you gotta know that it will be a 50/50 relationship. No way will I ever demand that only one of us stay home and raise kids. I’ll stay home a couple days a week and work from home, but so will you. I’ll bring in the money and you will, too. And eventually, if we decide that we only need one income, we can sit down and have a discussion about who will work, and that discussion will not center around who has boobs and who has a penis.

This is the year 2004, not 1940. She broke the contract you two had, and it’s not your fault. I complain that our society is one of blame-shifting, and it is, but in this case, you can’t beat yourself up. You said you were working too much. That was part of the agreement you two had. You held up your end of the bargain and brought home the bacon. She didn’t hold up her end. Get a grip and realize she fucked you over.

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I wanted to add a couple more things. Yes, I know he needs support and compassion from his friends right now. But the problem I’m having with this, is that, by blaming himself, he lets his wife think it’s OK to do this. She now has the freedom to think, “I did this because he wasn’t around,” or “I did this because I was so miserable about him being at work all the time.” That means she isn’t taking responsibility for her actions. By blaming yourself, you tell her that it’s OK to continue doing these things as long as you’re doing something that she doesn’t feel is right (like working so much.) You cannot bear her burden as well and “what-if” yourself to death.

Whatever crack this “therapist” is on, I can’t imagine it’s helping your wife to be separated from you. You need to be there, but be firm, with her: “I love you and respect you, but you need to make this right for us.” She needs to start working and paying off the debt. Even if it’s only part-time, it will still reduce your burden while allowing her to run smack into exactly what she did wrong and the pain it caused your family. If I were her, I would volunteer to work. It’s not your fault, and it’s not your responsibility to clean up after her mess. She is an adult too, and she needs to understand exactly what it’s going to cost your family to fix this.