Bah.
Well, I know a couple of people said I shouldn’t post personal stuff in my blog. I didn’t post any personal stuff for a while. Now it’s time to post personal stuff again, so here I go.
N broke up with me. I think most of you already knew that, but let’s get that out in the open. That means, for one thing, that the T-shirt business has taken a leave of absence. So sorry to those of you who needed T-shirts. It also means that, once again, I am upset, confused, angry, and depressed.
I think my depression stems from the fact that I know there’s really no one in a 1000-mile radius of me who really cares what happens to me. I could drive the Miata off a cliff tomorrow and people might not know for days. Even then, I think most people’s reaction (including some of you I’d call friends) would be “What’s going to happen to Simpli?” not “What happened to Erica?”
It really hit me hard tonight, like a punch in the stomach. Simpli had an outage, and people were calling me left and right, demanding to know what was going on. I didn’t have any answers for them, as at the time, I didn’t know what was happening either. At the same time, I was trying to halfway enjoy a night in San Francisco at a bar with someone who would probably be considered a friend (see last paragraph) and one of his friends.
It was on the way home that I felt something snap inside of me. It was just like a tree branch that has bits of snow pile up on it, and it takes it and takes it and takes it until one day, this big pile of snow falls down from above and whuff…. SNAP. That was exactly what it was like for me. I called my friend in somewhat of a panic, thinking I’d do something really stupid if left alone to contemplate all the emotions I was having. Halfway through the conversation, I realized he didn’t really need me anyway, as he sounded like he was having fun without me and he didn’t really care that something major had just happened to me, and so I hung up, embarrassed. I spent the rest of the drive home crying, and at some point, the depression sunk in like a black hole. I’m angry. I’m angry that my company had a major failure tonight. I’m angry at N’s decision to break up with me. But most of all, I’m not sure the world sees me and Simpli as two different things, and I think that’s what drove me off the edge tonight. It dawned on me that a lot of the people I consider friends are really just business associates. They host with Simpli, or some of them don’t, and they ask me about my business, and I ask them about theirs, and that’s great, but when it comes down to it, I don’t really matter to them. Tonight was a stunning example of exactly what matters about ME in people’s lives… and that is, mostly nothing. I don’t think these people (friends?) really know anything about who I am. Not only that, but they don’t really care, as long as their websites stay online and I smile and nod at their polite conversations.
The sad truth is I don’t have very many true friends — the kind of people where, even if Simpli failed, they would still call me and tell me that I’m a cool person to hang out with. That, even if I decided to move to some faraway country, they’d still call and come visit me. I think I have 2 people in my life who would do that, and neither of them live in California. And, when I’m faced with coming home to an empty house at 1:30AM after one of the roughest nights of my life, and I have no one to call and tell this to, that hurts. It really does.
