Difficult things to admit…
I’ve been struggling a lot lately. I’ve been angry about a lot of things. Over in the work field, mostly, which is what I’ll blog about here…but it applies in a similar way to my personal life as well.
As I look around the office here, I realize I am not where I want to be in life. Somewhere inside of me, I know Simpli can be an amazingly successful company. That’s what attracts customers and employees to us. It’s what people see in me that makes the difference between selecting Simpli as their hosting provider and selecting another (faceless) hosting provider. You also know that I’ve done something amazing and will continue to do amazing things. That’s why you read my blog.
I have a confession to make: Simpli barely breaks even every month. I know we have lots of reasons why that’s the case, but they all boil down to something simple. You see, I’ve been running this business the wrong way. The reason the business isn’t massively profitable is because I actually fear running a successful business.
“What?” you might be saying right now. “But you already run a successful business!” Yeah, I do. And I’ve struggled with that for a long time. You see, I never intended Simpli to be a $1M/year business. I intended it to be something fun that made me some extra money on the side while I did web design and programming and whatever else floated my boat. Except that word got out that Simpli was doing something different — that we were putting our customers first and not treating people like numbers. With basically $0 invested in marketing, we grew and grew and grew. Friends referred friends who referred friends. In 2004 I gave up consulting and went into this full-time.
You may have already known most of that story. I’ve said it a lot. But here’s what you don’t know. During that entire time, and still to this day, I engage in a very personal debate about whether I deserve all this. The crux of the matter is that I feel like I don’t deserve to be successful. (This is really difficult to even type…sigh.) Therefore, little pieces of Simpli fall apart. Those pieces are focused around the money aspect of Simpli: Our billing system sucks. Our website is difficult to order from. We don’t bill most of our customers properly, even when the debt from our upstream providers piles up and we’re not able to make the ends meet. And even when my employees get frustrated with me because they work long hours and because we can’t afford to hire new people. They’re all symptoms of the same problem: I’m afraid.
Let me tell you what my greatest fear is. My greatest fear is that all of our customers leave and I am left dirt poor, with no money (I have personal debt too, because I pay myself this ridiculously low salary from Simpli) and no place to live and I’ll have to go back to Indiana and face my parents, who really didn’t believe I could do this in the first place, and see some look in my mom’s eyes that said “I told you so, Erica. I told you you wouldn’t make it.” I have nightmares about this.
I get angry about my personal financial situation and about Simpli’s. And throughout all that, I battle constantly with which upstream provider bills to pay and which personal expenses to pay. All of this could be solved by billing our customers properly, getting investors, or making better hires. Instead, I filled my days with busywork (until my staff forced me to hire an office manager) or read blogs instead of doing things that really mattered to myself or my company.
I have to face reality before I throw either myself or my company off a cliff. I’m writing this because I want you to understand that the life of a CEO is not all glitz and glory. Even CEOs of $100 million+ companies have to get over fears, and I can tell you that those fears are multiplied in an intense way because the livelihood of other grown adults depend on the decisions you make. This is a big reason why companies tend to innovate less as they grow larger. Put simply, the people at the top are afraid. They’re afraid of alienating current customers or of losing stock values. And some of them, I think, have fears like mine. They’re simply paralyzed because they’re afraid it will all melt away someday…especially if they build the companies themselves, or like me, they’re afraid to really take the reins and run with what they’ve built. Why? Because what if it fails?
I am coming out on this blog and stating that I have this fear. It needs to be said. More CEOs need to act like human beings. We need to admit that we all have fears and nightmares and days when we think life or work is going to completely fall apart and we’ll wake up and realize that our businesses were just some cosmic joke and that we really have nothing. Those days suck. Let’s communicate about that.
What am I going to do about it? The same thing anyone with fear needs to do…get over it! I can no longer manage this company from a position of fear. I can’t manage it based on what we have and don’t have today. I must manage it based on where I see it in the future. I must create an amazing company on paper and then work backwards from that to where we are today. I cannot manage it based on hiring employees to fill gaps we have today. I must hire employees to fill the positions we need to grow and be profitable tomorrow, based on my vision for a highly successful future for both myself and Simpli.
Overall, I like being a CEO. But it is not easy. Each decision I make regarding my business affects hundreds of people. If I make a mistake, or say something wrong, I must be humble and apologize. But the reverse also applies. When I do something right, or my employees or customers do something amazing, I have to be the first one up there acknowledging it and thanking them.
I have a piece of paper on my bathroom mirror at home that says “Just say THANK YOU!” So…thank you to my customers, employees, and friends…and thank you to those who used to be customers or employees, too. I am grateful for all of you, and I promise you that I will lose this fear and lead Simpli from here on out. I will create a picture of where Simpli should be and focus all my effort there…and you will be part of a remarkable change from a little homegrown side project (circa 2001) to a $1 million per year revenue, successful business in 2007. I owe it to you to be the successful visionary you all see in me. I will make my dreams come true.
P.S. Simpli now has a blog at http://simpliblog.com — you can keep track of corporate happenings over there.
