Erica's "coat and scarf"

S left and went back to NYC, so I’m here alone again (and quite relishing it!) I have learned a lot about myself through my encounters with S. Since he and I are so much alike, it’s like looking in a mirror for me. Some of those “mirror” experiences have been good and some bad. However, the most important thing I learned about having him here is how important it is for me to have “me time.”

If you would have asked me a month ago about the importance of “me time”, I would have told you it was important. But I never realized how much it balances me to have that time alone. Though I do have lots of conversations with others, I need time alone to digest them. When I don’t get that time, I start to break down. After just 48 hours of not having “me time”, I could feel things start to crack.

This is what I learned. When I’m around other people, I use a facade. Normally it is incredibly difficult for anyone to break through this facade. With a couple exceptions, those who have seen the inside of me go on to date me, because I show it to so few people that when I do show it to you, it means you’re someone special.

But when I’m alone, there is no facade. I’m just me, in all my silly quirky glory. I sing (LOUDLY) to good music in the car. I dance around the house. I laugh a lot. I’m not afraid to cry at sappy movies (or occasionally TV shows.) I pretend I’m the star of American Idol. I play video games and eat junk food and just relax. This is the kind of stuff I do when I’m truly happy, yet 99% of the time I do it in front of no one, simply because I don’t trust myself to let all that out in front of others. You see, I want to be known as someone amazingly successful. And for whatever reason, I have it in my head that really successful people probably don’t sing Sophie Ellis Bextor songs into a hairbrush while getting dressed in the morning. Still, that is me at least as much as anything defined as “successful” is. So I wear a mask when I’m out. Oh, don’t get me wrong…it’s a friendly mask, and when I say I’m genuinely interested in something, I am. So it’s not fake. It’s just a layer of protection, much like a coat and scarf would protect me from the cold.

When people see the real me, the true me, they are amazed. I see it in their eyes. I know why, too. It’s because I totally open up and become a different person. No longer am I self-restrained. No longer am I worried about success. I’m silly and I make people laugh. I have a good time with things. But then it disappears again, submerged in the serious side of me, and this is when things go wrong. The people who have seen that side of me don’t want to see me let it go. They try to pull it back out. Of course that doesn’t work, and I just run further away… because no amount of begging or coercing will bring that side of me out. It only comes out when I’m truly comfortable with both the person and the situation.

So why couldn’t I bring it out with S? Easy. He is just like me. I can’t bring that side out because it would be dangerous. He would have every tool in his arsenal available to hurt me, and he would know exactly what to say to damage me, perhaps permanently. Oh, I don’t think he would hurt me. But I can’t risk it. So I put the coat and scarf on, and become Serious Erica. Only I can’t hold the Serious Erica facade for too long….it exhausts me. So I start to break down, and as I break down, I become more frustrated. As it continues, I feel things inside me start to snap, and I get really aggressive with other people (much as a cornered animal would.) Once I can have that time to myself to re-balance, I can feel things mending. In fact, tonight, as soon as I dropped S off at the airport (he came here from his San Diego vacation on Sunday… only about 55 hours ago), I put some 80’s music on in my car and realized I could sing out loud without feeling like a complete idiot, and did so. My bad mood went away pretty much immediately.

So what are the lessons from this? Many of you would tell me to be “myself” more often, but I’m sorry–it doesn’t work that easily. That side of me is quite fragile and gets its heart broken easily. If I revealed it more often, there would be that many more chances for me to get hurt. So I will continue to reveal it only to a very few select people. (And no, you absolutely cannot force it out of me. That will only make me withdraw more.) The lesson I feel I’ve learned is that I need that “me time” to recuperate after being around people, and when I don’t get it, I become a really nasty person. 🙁 I also need to be more proactive in telling people that I need to be alone when I can feel things starting to snap, instead of trying to push through it (darn willpower!)

My heart tells me it’s time to reveal itself and help out a friend this week, so I will follow it. This is always difficult for me, but in this case, I feel it’s important. Wish me luck.