I woke up at 3:30 in the morning with a vague feeling that something was wrong and broken. It was so vague at first that I couldn’t figure out what it was. Then I thought back over the dreams I had just had and who was in them, and I realized that yet again (last night), I had opened my heart to someone and that person didn’t seem to understand or care.

I realize that I have to be patient. But right now, I just need someone who understands. I have lost two of my best friends in a 24-hour time period. I am left with this giant hole in my heart that no one can repair. Sometimes I shrug it off and think I will get through it, and sometimes I wake up at 3:30 in the morning, crying my eyes out and barely having the strength to ask “Why?”

My dreams are full of frustration (they have been for a long time.) I’m always trying to pull something into place that isn’t quite right. My sleep is tormented with demons of my own making. Sylvia Browne was right when she said that there is no greater Hell than the hell we put ourselves through on this earth. I cannot imagine greater pain than what I am going through now, where I can’t even make things work in my dreams. I can only pray that someday, it will get better for me, and I won’t wake up in the morning feeling so frustrated and angry with myself.

What I miss most is talking to someone who understands me… someone I don’t always have to ask, “How can I help?” or “What can I do?” Someone who just intuitively understands that sometimes I need a shoulder to lean on, too. Not overbearing, just there if I need something. And someone who listens when I offer my help and advice, because you understand that I’m offering it because I love and respect you, not because I think you’re doing something wrong.

That’s what I miss.

So, after church (which, by the way, was pretty good), I went to Chipotle and ate a burrito. While I was eating it, I was thumbing through a bound collection of sermons that Sylvia Browne gave a few years back. (Even if you’re weirded out by the fact that she calls herself a psychic, do yourself a favor and read at least one of her books. I really like them.) Anyway, I was sitting there with ideas flowing through my mind, fresh from church and reading what she had to say, and it dawned on me that today was the day I needed to start writing my book.

Back when I was 14, I was “called” (as they say.) Some people are called to be ministers or healers. I was actually called to write a book about my spiritual beliefs (not knowing the difference, I called them “religious beliefs” back then.) I even remember telling people this in high school. At one point, while mentioning it to a friend, I remember thinking, “What happens if I never write it?”

The answer: “You will.”

So I’ve had that in the back of my mind for almost 9 years now, knowing that I was going to write it but not quite knowing when. Julia and I decided that today was the day, and I started it. I got all the way through the introduction and got a start on chapter 1. I now have 6 single-spaced pages of what is to become an epic part of my life.

I’ve told some of you that I know my real calling isn’t to run a business (though that’s an important step along the way.) My real calling is twofold: 1) to write a book, which will become an important part of a revelation in Christianity that is to take place in the next 50 years, and 2) to eventually become a motivational speaker and pass on all that I know to many others who can then spread the word of the “new” God; of love and truth and peace instead of damnation, guilt, and Hell.

What’s the revelation in Christianity, you ask? It’s simple. People my age aren’t going to church, by and large. Why? Church is full of negativity and control. Pastors preach “eternal guilt” and “sin” instead of the love that Jesus taught us. The revelation will occur as we slowly go back and immerse ourselves in the core of Jesus’ teachings; the fact that he taught us to love others as ourselves and to make the world a truly better place in all that we do. As we rediscover that Christ and God’s message to us is to love, not hate, and to band together, not enforce artificial separations (she’s a woman; he’s gay; they’re black), churches worldwide will become better places. That will be a revelation to the generation currently in power, but not to the kids who are growing up today, who will grow up in a world that perceives itself as more of a community than we perceive ourselves today.

I’ll post pieces of the book as it becomes a more coherent object. Here’s an excerpt for you to mull over:

-What are ‘surface negatives’?-

The woman smiles. “Surface negatives are everyday things that bother you,” she says. “They are the person who calls you on the phone and is rude to you. The person who cut you off in traffic. The guy who didn’t offer an apology when he bumped into you on the street. As part of your learning process, you have to understand that surface negatives are part of a person’s way of dealing with frustration. You’re angry, so you take it out on someone else. That makes them angry, and they take that out on someone else. You – or the person who made you angry – have created a chain of negativity.

“The first part of dealing with surface negatives is stopping the chain. Learn that surface negatives have very little to do with you and everything to do with that person’s perception of the world. That person has been frustrated by something else – likely nothing to do with you – and is taking it out on you. Resist the urge to pass the negative on to someone else and learn to smile and move on, remembering that even though the person is negative, it’s usually not your fault and there’s nothing you can do about it. The thing you can change is yourself – don’t fall victim to the chain, and instead encourage yourself to step beyond it and create a positive interaction with the next person on your list. If we all were able to just stop the chain of negativity, the world would be a much happier place, but like a cold, it’s infectious. We get it, get irritated, and pass it on to someone else, who then gets irritated…we may have affected hundreds of people by the time it is over. Stop the chain.”

…to those of you who have been following my writings, here’s my LiveJournal. I highly recommend reading it from bottom to top so it makes sense. (Actually, there are 2 pages, so go to “Previous Entries” first and start from there.)

Everything in it is older, but some of it is still good (and hey, some of it is even entertaining.) I’m not going to pull it into WordPress; I just wanted to let you guys know that it was there in case you wanted to read some personal stuff from a while back.