I need to write like you need to eat, sleep, or breathe. It’s not only therapeutic, but it helps me get focused and aligned with my goals.

So when I don’t write for three weeks, as I have recently, I know there’s something pretty seriously wrong with me. I am not just talking about blogging, though that’s often how I write. Sometimes I don’t feel like blogging, so I write long emails or private journal entries. I haven’t done any of these in over three weeks.

It started with my parents coming out for Christmas. (more…)

I think most of us have imagined a scenario where we didn’t have to work for money for a long period of time. “Yay!” you think. “Long vacation!” You may imagine drinking fruity concoctions on a beach — that’s what I imagined. Mmm, paradise.

Since I sold Simpli in September, I haven’t had to work for income…nor will I have to work for income for a minimum of 5 more years (if I spend aggressively and buy a house with mostly cash) or 8-10 more years if I am more conservative. That’s right…I do nothing, or whatever I want, and I get a check in the mail every month. Wow, sounds like the height of pure awesomeness, right?

It’s funny that life gives you as many challenges as you can handle. There’s just no “easy” life out there. We were put here, I believe, to learn and grow, and for my part, if I don’t feel like I’m learning and/or growing, I am not a happy person. Most of my learning and growing came from work-related activities over the past 6 years. Now it has to come from somewhere else. It has to come from ME. I have to be motivated to learn and grow and decide what that means for me. My future is wide open, and if I’m not strong, I could easily succumb to lack of motivation and become an addict.

I can see easily why most people who win the lottery can’t make it work and end up broke. It has something to do with this fantasy that you’ll never have to work again — that suddenly life will be perfect, if only… [insert change you want here.] Of course, if that change does happen, you find out that that’s not the case at all. (more…)

I’m writing this blog entry for everyone out there who has ever felt mopey or sad or disillusioned about the future. In particular, there are those of us who struggle with weighty questions such as “Will the world ever really understand me?” or “Will I ever stop feeling like my unique talents are not being shown to the world?” If you’ve ever felt that way, this blog is for you.

It’s hard to pull yourself out of those thoughts sometimes, and it’s even harder to do what I’m about to recommend to get out of this sort of funk. (more…)

This is a blog entry I’ve needed to write for a long time.

I generally try to avoid writing blog entries when I’m emotional. This time, I am emotional. In fact, the emotions started out as me being really upset at someone I’m close to not acknowledging me (or even acknowledging my existence.) Normally, when this happens, I go into this spiraling depression. I’m proud to say this time that’s not the case. In my anger and frustration, I (finally!) realized who I really am and what I want out of life.

As to FG (update: FG is part of his initials, in case you’re wondering why I call him that) Seth told me you’re still reading this blog. I hope you’re reading this entry. I have something to tell you, and I’m doing it via way of this blog because it’s important for me to put this out in the world. I’m ready to tell you that I’ve forgiven myself.

You see, a long time ago I really hurt FG — who loved me more than anyone ever has before. I did a bunch of shitty things because I was angry at how the world had treated me, and I was a kid who had not ever been acknowledged by my parents (or acknowledged in that awful “constructive criticism” way that was what my mom thought was love). I was so upset and so miserable from how I had been treated that I thought the only way to handle things was to treat everyone else like crap, too. And boy, FG, I did a number on you. I fucked you over big time.

It took me years to figure out who I really was. Now I know who I am, and I can tell what’s different. What’s different is that when shitty things happen in my life, I don’t feel a black hole in my heart any more. When I’m not acknowledged in the way I want to be, I don’t get destructive and lash out. I don’t feel this huge emptiness in my heart. Instead — and this is totally weird and not what I expected — I am initially angry, and then I feel a strong love. I feel love for those who acknowledge me and those who are there for me, and I can actually thank them. I pull them in for hugs and kisses and reassurance, and I know they are there for me.

Similarly, I hope to be the best friend for them and there for them when they are in need. I find myself listening a lot more. I find people GET IT. They are drawn to me because they know they can tell me things and I’ll listen, and offer advice perhaps, but mostly it is just that people are comfortable with me. Our clients tell me Simpli is a hugely different company than any other hosting company out there. On the phone with a client the other day, the client remarked “You know, Simpli sticks out like a sore thumb in this industry. We stick with you because of you. I have been in the business many years and I used to buy only on tech specs. Now I realize the importance of building relationships. That’s why I chose Simpli.”

In other words, I’ve moved my heart out into the open. I acknowledge that this has its risks. This blog and anything else I post can be used by those who are negative to construe me, or my company, as something negative because I put myself out there and make myself a target. But I take that risk because I realize the huge, HUGE importance of letting people know that there are real people out there is so much bigger than the potshots people take. I used to take potshots when my anger got the best of me. I used to snarl at people who were so nice. I made “nice” mean “fake” in my mind because I couldn’t understand how people could be nice without wanting something or having ulterior motives.

I’ve totally changed that perception inside myself. I’ve found that you create your world. If you want to create a world where most people are nice, and those who aren’t can be safely ignored, you can do that. That’s what I’ve done. I’ve ripped down my company and totally rebuilt it in the past 6 months. New routers, new switches, all new employees, new client portal, new IP addresses, new bandwidth providers. This absolutely parallels the evolution of my heart and my own personal journey to find myself. I’ve found that I define myself by how I help other people. Helping other people is my “heart goal” — that overriding value, above everything else, that makes me tick. What upsets me so greatly is lack of acknowledgment. I want to be acknowledged for what I’ve done in this life, both personally and professionally. I know I’m destined to make a huge mark on this world, and I’m not afraid of that destiny like I used to be. I just want to make sure those around me see it in me and really get it. It’s a tall order for someone to really get how much I want to change the world…not just change those around me, but to actually go out and help millions of people…personally.

It is these “down” moments I have, precipitated by those around me who can’t see that shining flame in my heart, where I find that my heart grows ever stronger, and my goals ever larger. It is incredibly frustrating to me that I can’t seem to find a partner who really “gets it”… but then again, my goals probably would overwhelm most people. *smiles*

Anyway, FG, since this post is for you, here’s what I want you to know. I know who I am now. My heart is filled with love and I love even in dark moments. You can look into my eyes now and see that I am that person you saw a glimpse of so long ago, and now I’m an amazingly strong version of that person. You know that I’m sorry for what I did, but what’s just as important is that you needed to see that I really have become what you saw — that what you saw in my heart was real. You also needed to know that the scared/angry part of my persona was gone.

It’s gone.

A long time ago, I described myself as having a 70/30 split between a vulnerable “inner side” of my personality and a hard outer shell. Those two sides have merged to form something unique. I’m still strong and aggressive. I have to be to accomplish all that I want. But even the strong and aggressive part is guided by an equally strong heart and desire to improve the lives of everyone I meet in this world. When things are going well, I am strong in ensuring that I am constantly moving forward, and when things aren’t going so well, I am strong in figuring out what went wrong and where I want to go next…guided by my heart goal of helping others, at all times.

I had to forgive myself for all of that crap I did in order to get to this point. I did, and while I’m still not proud of the things I did in my past, I know that my future is unmistakably bright. As long as I remember the love in my heart and continue to be guided by that, there is no limit to the things I can accomplish.

I wrote the other night, “Whatever it is you want out of your life, find it and commit to it and bring love and joy and passion to it…and be happy in those moments.” That is the way I live my life now. I know what I want, I’m committed to achieving it, and I’m not scared any more. FG, I think that’s what you saw in me so long ago. Now everyone else can see it too. 🙂

I’ve been struggling a lot lately. I’ve been angry about a lot of things. Over in the work field, mostly, which is what I’ll blog about here…but it applies in a similar way to my personal life as well.

As I look around the office here, I realize I am not where I want to be in life. Somewhere inside of me, I know Simpli can be an amazingly successful company. That’s what attracts customers and employees to us. It’s what people see in me that makes the difference between selecting Simpli as their hosting provider and selecting another (faceless) hosting provider. You also know that I’ve done something amazing and will continue to do amazing things. That’s why you read my blog.

I have a confession to make: Simpli barely breaks even every month. I know we have lots of reasons why that’s the case, but they all boil down to something simple. You see, I’ve been running this business the wrong way. The reason the business isn’t massively profitable is because I actually fear running a successful business.

“What?” you might be saying right now. “But you already run a successful business!” Yeah, I do. And I’ve struggled with that for a long time. You see, I never intended Simpli to be a $1M/year business. I intended it to be something fun that made me some extra money on the side while I did web design and programming and whatever else floated my boat. Except that word got out that Simpli was doing something different — that we were putting our customers first and not treating people like numbers. With basically $0 invested in marketing, we grew and grew and grew. Friends referred friends who referred friends. In 2004 I gave up consulting and went into this full-time.

You may have already known most of that story. I’ve said it a lot. But here’s what you don’t know. During that entire time, and still to this day, I engage in a very personal debate about whether I deserve all this. The crux of the matter is that I feel like I don’t deserve to be successful. (This is really difficult to even type…sigh.) Therefore, little pieces of Simpli fall apart. Those pieces are focused around the money aspect of Simpli: Our billing system sucks. Our website is difficult to order from. We don’t bill most of our customers properly, even when the debt from our upstream providers piles up and we’re not able to make the ends meet. And even when my employees get frustrated with me because they work long hours and because we can’t afford to hire new people. They’re all symptoms of the same problem: I’m afraid.

Let me tell you what my greatest fear is. My greatest fear is that all of our customers leave and I am left dirt poor, with no money (I have personal debt too, because I pay myself this ridiculously low salary from Simpli) and no place to live and I’ll have to go back to Indiana and face my parents, who really didn’t believe I could do this in the first place, and see some look in my mom’s eyes that said “I told you so, Erica. I told you you wouldn’t make it.” I have nightmares about this.

I get angry about my personal financial situation and about Simpli’s. And throughout all that, I battle constantly with which upstream provider bills to pay and which personal expenses to pay. All of this could be solved by billing our customers properly, getting investors, or making better hires. Instead, I filled my days with busywork (until my staff forced me to hire an office manager) or read blogs instead of doing things that really mattered to myself or my company.

I have to face reality before I throw either myself or my company off a cliff. I’m writing this because I want you to understand that the life of a CEO is not all glitz and glory. Even CEOs of $100 million+ companies have to get over fears, and I can tell you that those fears are multiplied in an intense way because the livelihood of other grown adults depend on the decisions you make. This is a big reason why companies tend to innovate less as they grow larger. Put simply, the people at the top are afraid. They’re afraid of alienating current customers or of losing stock values. And some of them, I think, have fears like mine. They’re simply paralyzed because they’re afraid it will all melt away someday…especially if they build the companies themselves, or like me, they’re afraid to really take the reins and run with what they’ve built. Why? Because what if it fails?

I am coming out on this blog and stating that I have this fear. It needs to be said. More CEOs need to act like human beings. We need to admit that we all have fears and nightmares and days when we think life or work is going to completely fall apart and we’ll wake up and realize that our businesses were just some cosmic joke and that we really have nothing. Those days suck. Let’s communicate about that.

What am I going to do about it? The same thing anyone with fear needs to do…get over it! I can no longer manage this company from a position of fear. I can’t manage it based on what we have and don’t have today. I must manage it based on where I see it in the future. I must create an amazing company on paper and then work backwards from that to where we are today. I cannot manage it based on hiring employees to fill gaps we have today. I must hire employees to fill the positions we need to grow and be profitable tomorrow, based on my vision for a highly successful future for both myself and Simpli.

Overall, I like being a CEO. But it is not easy. Each decision I make regarding my business affects hundreds of people. If I make a mistake, or say something wrong, I must be humble and apologize. But the reverse also applies. When I do something right, or my employees or customers do something amazing, I have to be the first one up there acknowledging it and thanking them.

I have a piece of paper on my bathroom mirror at home that says “Just say THANK YOU!” So…thank you to my customers, employees, and friends…and thank you to those who used to be customers or employees, too. I am grateful for all of you, and I promise you that I will lose this fear and lead Simpli from here on out. I will create a picture of where Simpli should be and focus all my effort there…and you will be part of a remarkable change from a little homegrown side project (circa 2001) to a $1 million per year revenue, successful business in 2007. I owe it to you to be the successful visionary you all see in me. I will make my dreams come true.

P.S. Simpli now has a blog at http://simpliblog.com — you can keep track of corporate happenings over there.