Today, I remembered I still needed to take traffic school for the speeding ticket I’d gotten a little while ago. The docket for traffic school included a list of online traffic schools, so I selected TrafficSchool4Less.com. For $17.95, they promised I could get a traffic school completion.

I paid my dues and went into the web site. Much to my disappointment, I found I had to read 99 pages of information and complete 10 quizzes to pass the test. I griped about this to a friend over IM, and he said “I’d just cut-and-paste the text and search it when running through the questions.”

Duh! Why didn’t I think of that?! So I copied every page into Microsoft Word (which helpfully copies all of the pictures and formatting as well.) After I copied each section, I cruised through the section test, finding each answer I didn’t know in my handy Word document. An hour later, I was done. I passed the final quiz with flying colors — a score of 96%!

I have to wait a week or so to get the certificate in the mail, and then I’ll send it in. I’ll say one thing — this was 1000 times better than going to an 8-hour class. If any of you get speeding tickets in California, this is the way to go! 🙂

(This one will be worth the read. I promise.)

I wrapped up some long-standing issues with FG tonight. (I will not call you FGML. You are not a markup language.) He said “goodbye” to me last week the day after C did, and I hadn’t gotten around to dealing with that yet. So I did tonight by berating him on IM. (Always great to know your friends are supportive of your decisions, right?!) “What the fuck?” I yelled at him. (Sorry, this was IM, so it was more like “WHAT THE FUCK?!”) “You were my best friend; why did you leave me at the time I needed you most…” I’ll spare you the gory details.

I honestly just needed to say it to him to get it out of my system. Actually, it relieved me greatly to just let loose and yell for a while about something. (I’m over it now; please stop cowering in fear!)

What had always bothered me about my relationship with FG was something I could never explain to anyone. Everyone always thought I was crazy to break up with him. Even my own mother told me to give him another chance earlier this year. So I did, but it was still wrong! What was eating me up inside was that I couldn’t figure out why it was wrong, so I was having this giant guilt complex about it — like “How could I have ruined a perfectly good relationship?” etc.

I finally started to figure it out with a friend a few months ago on IM. I had been thinking about my relationship with FG for a while, and my friend (we’ll call him A and drag him into this mess) happened to be online one night when I really needed to talk. I started chatting and didn’t stop typing for over an hour. “FG isn’t right for me,” I told him. “He just doesn’t understand me.” Of course, A, playing devil’s advocate (thank you, A), was asking all the right questions, like “Are you sure that he isn’t right for you? What isn’t right about him?” I told him I wasn’t sure, and that’s why I didn’t break up with FG until after I got back from IBI… I knew it wasn’t right, but I couldn’t tell anyone (including myself) why.

Well, then I met C at IBI and the whole thing blew up. I told FG after I got back. Nothing happened at IBI with C, but I knew it was over with FG when I came back. Still, I couldn’t put my finger on what was wrong. “He’s 90% right for me,” I kept telling people.

Today, I figured it out.

If you’ve been reading my Slashdot journal, you’ll know that a couple months ago it really hit me that I have two opposing sides to my personality. There’s the outer side, which is what you know if you’ve never met me in person (or have met me in person, but only briefly.) That’s the wild, strong, kick-ass individual on the outside. And that’s the part that almost everyone thinks is the real me.

Here’s the kicker: It’s not. There is, I’d say, a 70/30 split between that side and my inner side, which is what some of you (including FG) would describe as the “real” me. This inner side is the 70% in that split. It’s the sensitive, vulnerable side… the side that C called “the little girl inside.” And that’s the real me.

But here’s the catch. Neither one of these sides can be left behind. If you love me — truly love me, you have to love both sides. Even though it’s not an even split (it’s 70/30) you can’t love one and not love the other, or it doesn’t work.

FG was the person who brought out the “real” me way back in high school, when I hid it from everyone. He saw that inner beauty and it wowed him, and he fell in love with that side. But he could never accept that I was still a hardass on the outside. He begged me to get rid of that side, to just be the love and beauty on the inside. After all, he is like the pure love of my inner self, except that’s all of him. He fought with the outside part of me. He was angry about it and it didn’t fit with his goals of simply falling in love and raising a family. He was, in fact, the exact opposite of my boyfriend so long ago, whom I named Mr. My Life Is Good Enough For Me, who could only see the outside of me and couldn’t accept the inside.

There are 3 people in my life who have seen both sides and have accepted them for what they are without wanting to change them. They are: Conner, who has been a close friend of mine for over 4 years now; willfe, who recently gained the courage to call me again, for which I will respect him for a long time; and C.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am a walking contradiction. I have a deceptively simple personality, that, over time, unfolds itself into many complex and deep layers. Sometimes I disagree with myself. Sometimes I frustrate myself and everyone around me, but at the same time, I have that shining heart inside and my smile makes people feel better. This is me; this is who I am, and although sometimes I make bad decisions, I do make them based on love.

The sound you hear is another book closing. Another chapter of my life has been written. I’ve figured out who I am and I am finally happy and at peace with myself.

FG, I know you will find that family you are looking for, and I know I will too. I hope I can give you a bug hug and be there for you when your dreams finally do come true. I love you a lot, and I wish you the best.

As some of you may know, I royally fucked myself over a few years ago when I got into not one, not two, but three “incidents” on my car insurance in a 3-month period. I was in two car accidents (my fault) and then I got a carpool violation. (I blame Scott McNealy. Working at Sun is enough to cause anyone to want to smash their car into other people’s cars. 😛 )

Anyway, I’ve been through three years of hell with regards to car insurance. My former carrier, Travelers, promptly dropped me, and I went from paying $130 a month with them to … FOUR HUNDRED AND SEVENTY DOLLARS A MONTH (!!!) with Progressive.

To put it very mildly, this sucked complete ass.

Well, I’m still getting reamed by Progressive, and I’m sure they’re glad they’ve taken me on, because they’re making a killing from me. (I haven’t had a single claim in that time period.)

I called my car insurance agent today to find out some good news — on January 14, I can resubscribe with either Progressive (no thanks) or another carrier, and my rates should go back down to about $130 a month. (Actually, since I’m older, they might even be lower. But I’m not holding my breath. Anything has to be better than the $470 I’m paying now!) This is going to open up a fairly significant chunk of income, which I was actually going to use for a new car payment. However, I’ve decided to stick the leftover chunk of change into the Miata instead. That means:

1) A new hood;
2) A new rear bumper;
3) A complete interior and exterior detail.

The best part of this is that I can get this all done for what would have been 3-4 months of Car Insurance Hell. Since I have some newly-paid-off personal credit cards, I plan to stick it all on there in January and pay it off later.

I also made some other decisions today. I’m getting some (and by “some”, I mean 500) wacky pens with a Simpli logo. I want a fun, gimmicky toy with my company’s logo on it, and darn it, I’m going to get wacky pens just because they’re cool. I talked to the EPromos guy today and they’re going to arrange it so I can get them when I’m in LA at IBI in December. I am greatly looking forward to this.

I also talked to my dad today about going to IBI. He says he’ll think about it. The problem is that Mom will want to go too, but December is Mom’s busiest personal month of the year. He said he wanted to go, but since Mom is going to be so busy, he’s not sure if they can make it. We’ll see.

I did get to speak with BJ at the IBI Marin meeting (actually, we were all out really late and I didn’t get home until 1:30AM.) I decided to go to to IBI in December, as well. But that’s not what I wanted to talk about in this blog entry.

People keep asking me, “What did you get out of IBI?” I watch other IBI’ers answer this question and we’re all somewhat “shallow” about it. “Oh, capital,” we say, or “I brought home a CFO/lawyer/accountant/[insert team member here.]”

No, for me it was different. I brought home a completely new attitude; a new way to think about things. I found myself saying to a client today, “I want to help you find a person who really fits with your team.” (This is as a replacement for myself; I’m too busy to continue helping them.) Then I found myself thinking, Holy crap, did I really say that?

“How can I help you?” is a powerful phrase. That’s what I brought home from IBI — to always ask my clients how I can help them. You’d be surprised how effective it is. Along with that, I brought home the ability to say “We can’t help you with that, but I know someone who can.” After all, if your clients feel you have their best interest in mind, they’ll respond in kind to you, and both you and your business will reap many rewards. That’s one learning experience you can’t put a dollar value on.

So I finally talked to C on the phone today. This was after I had a long phone conversation with a friend who has “been there” — to say the least! He gave me some things to look for on the phone.

C was miserable and upset, as usual… He said he loved me, that he wanted to be with me… all the right things, right? Wait! But he’s not here in California! So something isn’t right here.

My friend (we’ll call him Conner even though that’s not his real name) had told me that C had to make a decision. So when C called, feeling miserable, I reminded him that he had a decision to make. He said “No, I don’t…” That means he’s already made the decision! He’s there, and I’m here, and that means he didn’t choose me. No matter how much he says he loves me, I know that he can’t love me more than he loves his wife and kids, or he’d be here with me. When I talked to him today, it hit me that he’s stopped looking for a way to get out of this mess — he’s just wallowing in self-pity at this point, and pulling me into that because he “loves” me.

Conner asked me today, “Are you in love with him, or in love with being in love?” Of course my first instinct was to say I was in love with C — duh! But who knows, really. The fact is that he’s not here and I need to accept that and move on. Hey, if he decides to get divorced, he can call me and I’ll be there to help him through it. But if he makes the choice (and hell yeah, it was his choice) to stay with his wife, then I’ll find someone else who makes the choice to stay with me!

I will not let myself be dragged down by him any more. Yes, I absolutely love him with all my heart, and if ever he needs a shoulder to cry on, I’ll be here… in California… and he’ll be the one buying the plane tickets or driving the Miata to me, because I’m worth it.