…there was actually someone here who understood me. One of my friends here is 8 1/2 months pregnant and obviously has more important things to focus on than hearing me talk (I don’t begrudge her that.) My other friend here in the Bay Area insists on deriding IBI and anything associated with it, and isn’t really listening when I explain things to him. He didn’t even have any comment when I showed him an excerpt from my new book… just “Sorry, I’m busy.” He hasn’t bothered to ask how things are going with me or if there’s anything he can do to help, even though I’ve asked him how I can help him several times recently.

I hate the feeling that no one cares. I hate it. I haven’t had a good long in-person conversation in way too long. I can write things in my blog, but it’s all too much like talking to a blank wall. I don’t know how I am going to get through this. Every morning when I wake up, everything just hits me like a sack of rocks and I feel sick to my stomach. It’s too painful. Half of me just wants to give up and half hangs on in the hope that it will eventually get better.

I need to make the pain go away.

Okay, okay, so I’m bothered by BJ. But the grumpiness that persists inside is more than that.

Last night, I had a discussion with a close friend I hadn’t talked to for a month or so. The discussion started out with him saying “I read your blog, and sorry I wasn’t around for all that.” Where was he? Apparently finding out that his wife (a compulsive shopper) had put $75,000 on credit cards in the past year (buying weird shit like a collection of Christmas tins), and then hid the whole thing from him.

Now he’s sleeping on a friend’s couch, while she lives with his mom. Of course, upon learning this, my first question was “Are you divorcing her?” After all, if he’s 1000 miles away and she hid this big thing from him… “No, I love her too much,” was his reply. Okay. So why was he 1000 miles away?

Apparently there are no jobs in the small town where his parents live, so he’s out finding work while she stays home and takes care of their kid. This part was not the part that angered me the most, however. Apparently, his wife (in a brilliant stroke of therapist-inspired “wisdom”) had decided that a “voluntary separation” would be the best thing for her (as “punishment” for her $75,000 Internet shopping spree), leaving him to pay off the entire $75,000 while she sat around on her ass (I mean, sorry, “took care of the kid.”)

Payments on $75,000 of credit card debt are about $3500-$4000 a month, and that’s not including living expenses or the other debt that they’ve accumulated. Not only that, but after telling me that, he starts smacking himself around on IM, saying things like “I’m not a good husband.”

How many times do you need to be beaten over the head with a cluestick before you realize that she wasn’t being a good wife? This woman went out and spent $75,000 behind your back, and expects you to pay the whole thing off while she sits around and twiddles her thumbs. Not only that, but she’s living it up with your mom while you’re sleeping on someone’s couch and trying to figure out how to pay the bills. Not only that, but someone has handed you a bunch of guilt on a platter, and you’re eating it up like it’s the last meal you’ll ever have.

When I said all of this to him, he said “You don’t live in the same world I do. She and I have an agreement: I bring in the money, and she takes care of the kid.” Funny, but I think she broke that agreement when she got you guys $75,000 in credit card debt! I live in the year 2004, where women run multi-billion dollar corporations, not sit around on their butt and expect their husbands to desperately find work in order to pay the bills they racked up buying a set of Christmas tins (among other meaningless items.) This woman is refusing to take responsibility for her actions, and thinks that “Hubby” can make it all magically disappear.

Whenever I get married, you gotta know that it will be a 50/50 relationship. No way will I ever demand that only one of us stay home and raise kids. I’ll stay home a couple days a week and work from home, but so will you. I’ll bring in the money and you will, too. And eventually, if we decide that we only need one income, we can sit down and have a discussion about who will work, and that discussion will not center around who has boobs and who has a penis.

This is the year 2004, not 1940. She broke the contract you two had, and it’s not your fault. I complain that our society is one of blame-shifting, and it is, but in this case, you can’t beat yourself up. You said you were working too much. That was part of the agreement you two had. You held up your end of the bargain and brought home the bacon. She didn’t hold up her end. Get a grip and realize she fucked you over.

—

I wanted to add a couple more things. Yes, I know he needs support and compassion from his friends right now. But the problem I’m having with this, is that, by blaming himself, he lets his wife think it’s OK to do this. She now has the freedom to think, “I did this because he wasn’t around,” or “I did this because I was so miserable about him being at work all the time.” That means she isn’t taking responsibility for her actions. By blaming yourself, you tell her that it’s OK to continue doing these things as long as you’re doing something that she doesn’t feel is right (like working so much.) You cannot bear her burden as well and “what-if” yourself to death.

Whatever crack this “therapist” is on, I can’t imagine it’s helping your wife to be separated from you. You need to be there, but be firm, with her: “I love you and respect you, but you need to make this right for us.” She needs to start working and paying off the debt. Even if it’s only part-time, it will still reduce your burden while allowing her to run smack into exactly what she did wrong and the pain it caused your family. If I were her, I would volunteer to work. It’s not your fault, and it’s not your responsibility to clean up after her mess. She is an adult too, and she needs to understand exactly what it’s going to cost your family to fix this.

Today went pretty well. I had a good phone conversation with Joe Moss (another IBI 1004 grad.) He is starting up a franchised psychology “thing” (I am not a Ph.D. like he is, so the words escape me.) Basically, he’s patenting and teaching a technique that unlocks a “first memory” that allows patients to figure out the root of their problems. I read a big email he sent me about it a couple days ago and it seems interesting. Plus, he is a good guy.

Joe says he’ll be back at IBI in December, which reminded me of my goal to 1) go back and 2) bring someone I think will benefit from IBI. I’ve already committed to going back; it’s the second part I’m having more trouble with. I know 2 people who would greatly benefit from going, but how do I explain it to them? How do I say “Lay out $3000+ and bank on the chance of meeting cool people”?

Joe and I talked about that for a while, and finally he said something that I realized would make nearly anyone looking for startup capital go to IBI. He said, “Erica, December is the month everyone goes to IBI to invest because they have to get the money out of their pockets before they turn in their taxes.” And he’s right, of course! Tons of IBI grads will be back in December looking for new companies to invest in. All I have to do is get these people there and they’ll meet enough people to achieve whatever they need to achieve next in their business.

It’s funny, because I’ve talked to at least 10 people who went to IBI, and everyone has varying opinions on how worthwhile it was. However, everyone I’ve talked to agrees that it was definitely worth paying the money. I’ve gotten tons of business plans with “Here’s my management team” and on the teams are all the IBI faculty and staff. I have to grin at the audacity of asking a staff member to be on your team, but hey, whatever works.

My personal experience with IBI was always that it was about bettering myself, not getting contacts or investors (though plenty of IBI’ers have offered to come forward and invest or find investors for me.) People ask, “What do you need next?” and I invariably respond with a one-off comment like “More time” or “Another ‘me’.” Seriously, I didn’t go there to find investors; I already have investors. I came there to learn, and learn I did (and met some wonderful people as well.)

—

Brandon (if you don’t know who Brandon is, he’s one of my employees) sent me a to-do list today. How funny is that — getting a to-do list from your employee. I actually got a kick out of it; it means he’s motivated to make Simpli succeed, even if I have my head firmly stuck up my *** sometimes! Anyway, on the to-do list were several interesting items, but not one we had discussed earlier, which was Simpli getting a reseller permit. With his help, I dug up the requisite forms and will file them tomorrow. Hopefully we’ll have a reseller permit before the end of the month and can set up direct accounts with distributors.

I also made some decisions regarding financing. I’m going to approach Wells Fargo first and ask for a loan. I’ll probably do a SBA-backed loan. If, for whatever reason, they’re unwilling to give it to me, I’ll explore debt-based financing in the form of convertible bonds (bonds that can be converted into equity later.)

One of my hosting customers has agreed to do some PHP programming for me, which is good. I also took a deep introspective look at myself and wondered why I was so unwilling to do the work myself. I guess I just assumed that someone else would enjoy it more than I would, but honestly, I’d rather get someone else to do billing and administrivia and program my heart out. I find myself thinking that I would enjoy doing all this more than server administration or other tasks I spend my time doing, which has made me decide to take on part of the programming workload myself and outsource other things instead.

How’s that for a ramble? I’ll update more later as things progress.

So, after church (which, by the way, was pretty good), I went to Chipotle and ate a burrito. While I was eating it, I was thumbing through a bound collection of sermons that Sylvia Browne gave a few years back. (Even if you’re weirded out by the fact that she calls herself a psychic, do yourself a favor and read at least one of her books. I really like them.) Anyway, I was sitting there with ideas flowing through my mind, fresh from church and reading what she had to say, and it dawned on me that today was the day I needed to start writing my book.

Back when I was 14, I was “called” (as they say.) Some people are called to be ministers or healers. I was actually called to write a book about my spiritual beliefs (not knowing the difference, I called them “religious beliefs” back then.) I even remember telling people this in high school. At one point, while mentioning it to a friend, I remember thinking, “What happens if I never write it?”

The answer: “You will.”

So I’ve had that in the back of my mind for almost 9 years now, knowing that I was going to write it but not quite knowing when. Julia and I decided that today was the day, and I started it. I got all the way through the introduction and got a start on chapter 1. I now have 6 single-spaced pages of what is to become an epic part of my life.

I’ve told some of you that I know my real calling isn’t to run a business (though that’s an important step along the way.) My real calling is twofold: 1) to write a book, which will become an important part of a revelation in Christianity that is to take place in the next 50 years, and 2) to eventually become a motivational speaker and pass on all that I know to many others who can then spread the word of the “new” God; of love and truth and peace instead of damnation, guilt, and Hell.

What’s the revelation in Christianity, you ask? It’s simple. People my age aren’t going to church, by and large. Why? Church is full of negativity and control. Pastors preach “eternal guilt” and “sin” instead of the love that Jesus taught us. The revelation will occur as we slowly go back and immerse ourselves in the core of Jesus’ teachings; the fact that he taught us to love others as ourselves and to make the world a truly better place in all that we do. As we rediscover that Christ and God’s message to us is to love, not hate, and to band together, not enforce artificial separations (she’s a woman; he’s gay; they’re black), churches worldwide will become better places. That will be a revelation to the generation currently in power, but not to the kids who are growing up today, who will grow up in a world that perceives itself as more of a community than we perceive ourselves today.

I’ll post pieces of the book as it becomes a more coherent object. Here’s an excerpt for you to mull over:

-What are ‘surface negatives’?-

The woman smiles. “Surface negatives are everyday things that bother you,” she says. “They are the person who calls you on the phone and is rude to you. The person who cut you off in traffic. The guy who didn’t offer an apology when he bumped into you on the street. As part of your learning process, you have to understand that surface negatives are part of a person’s way of dealing with frustration. You’re angry, so you take it out on someone else. That makes them angry, and they take that out on someone else. You – or the person who made you angry – have created a chain of negativity.

“The first part of dealing with surface negatives is stopping the chain. Learn that surface negatives have very little to do with you and everything to do with that person’s perception of the world. That person has been frustrated by something else – likely nothing to do with you – and is taking it out on you. Resist the urge to pass the negative on to someone else and learn to smile and move on, remembering that even though the person is negative, it’s usually not your fault and there’s nothing you can do about it. The thing you can change is yourself – don’t fall victim to the chain, and instead encourage yourself to step beyond it and create a positive interaction with the next person on your list. If we all were able to just stop the chain of negativity, the world would be a much happier place, but like a cold, it’s infectious. We get it, get irritated, and pass it on to someone else, who then gets irritated…we may have affected hundreds of people by the time it is over. Stop the chain.”

…to those of you who have been following my writings, here’s my LiveJournal. I highly recommend reading it from bottom to top so it makes sense. (Actually, there are 2 pages, so go to “Previous Entries” first and start from there.)

Everything in it is older, but some of it is still good (and hey, some of it is even entertaining.) I’m not going to pull it into WordPress; I just wanted to let you guys know that it was there in case you wanted to read some personal stuff from a while back.