You can read my earlier blog about what happened with C. (I made it password-protected for a reason.) Now I want to delve into “why.”

I truly believe that C does not believe he can ever be happy. There is something in his conscience, some guilt trip, that gets in the way whenever he decides that he can be happy. When faced with a decision of “let it be the way that it is, which isn’t happy but isn’t terrible” or the rocky choice of going off on an unknown path and potentially being truly happy, he always ends up taking Door #1. Then, when he is unhappy, since he already knows what’s behind Door #1, he gets depressed and writes me love letters. But he believes it’s his lot in life to be unhappy, and there’s no way I can convince him otherwise.

I let myself fall into a trap in the past few weeks, and that was the trap (the same one I fell into last year around this time, dammit) of caring about someone so much that I actually put myself in his shoes. Oh my gosh, was I miserable. I was so depressed. I was depressed because I felt like my company could not match up in any way to the one he is working for now. I was depressed because I blamed myself for him leaving Simpli. And I was amazingly depressed because of his life situation — his financials, his marriage, etc.

Three weeks ago, he said his #1 goal in life was to marry me. He must have had that “you don’t deserve to be happy!” voice pop up in his head again (don’t you get it yet, C? I know this about you because I have the same voice in my head!), because he let me go. Again. And interestingly, it was a little over 3 weeks. Again.

I do love him. I will always love him. I will never forget him saying he wanted to marry me. But I also realize that I can’t be with someone who doesn’t allow himself to be truly happy; who can’t seem to risk giving up what he has for the chance at true happiness. And so, I will move on, and be a beautiful woman with a fantastic company, waiting for someone who does want true happiness (and a darn handful!) by dating me. I do feel peace inside. And I hope C can feel that same peace inside someday… but he won’t until he lets himself make the choices his guilt won’t let him make.

…to meee…! 😀

Wow! I got addicted to this song called “Run To You” by Pascal. It’s a remix of Bryan Adams’ old 80’s hit of the same name. Except that I couldn’t find the darn MP3 anywhere.

Those of you who know me pretty well know that every once in a while I’ll break down and go buy about $150 worth of CDs. Apparently, this is my night. From a Google search, I came across Juno (no relation to the ISP), which bills itself as “the world’s largest online dance music store.” They’re based in the UK, but have reasonable shipping rates to the US. So I bought this CD, which has the Pascal/Bryan Adams mix on it, as we as several other awesome club mixes, like Stacie D’s remix of “I Touch Myself.” Then I started digging around and found this. What’s this — a Phats & Small album I don’t have?! So I bought that. Then I clicked around again and found “The Very Best Euphoric House Breakdown” on two CDs. Wow, it has like every song in my high-rotation dance music playlist!

Someone stop me before I max out all my credit cards buying happy music… 😉

Em Emalb wrote about going back through old /. journals. I actually did this a few weeks ago. The best one I found was the one where I officially started Simpli and was really excited. (Although I count Simpli’s start date in 2001, and I had several hosting customers dating as far back as 12/2000, I didn’t incorporate until September 2002.) I even go on a rant about Scott McNealy in this journal! 😉 Here it is.

Oh, and I got the hot tub installed. I love it! 😀